Gwyneth Paltrow was on vacation for two weeks. She spoke at the Cannes Lion event last week, but spent the rest of the time lounging on beaches and yachts in the South of France and then spending some time in Spain, all of which likely involves drinking goat-milk smoothies (gross) and thinking about her own wellness, perhaps interspersed with some vagine steaming. For all of this, Gwyneth is a hero and a legend in her own mind.

You see, Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t merely on vacation, she was trying to accomplish something very important: going on vacation as a self-described “homebody.” She posted the above Instagram with the message “Two week trip complete #victorydanceofahomebody.” As in, a successful vacation now needs a victory dance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an actual homebody and it would take a lot out of me to NOT do anything except vacation abroad for two solid weeks. So I “get” what she’s trying to say. The problem is that she’s full of sh-t, like always. She goes on vacations all the time. She’s not a homebody. I feel like this “homebody” thing is part of Gwyneth’s rebranding – she’s not just Business Goop, she’s also American Blonde Who Is Accessible To Peasants. Is it working? Ha.

Speaking of Gwyneth’s rebrand, The Cut did a fascinating story on wellness, and how Gwyneth is tapping into this wellness scheme. It’s a fascinating read about privileged women with more money than sense and the way the market has shifted to sell those women all of the expensive faux-remedies possible. The Cut also quotes extensively in the last half from doctors who recognize the wellness movement for what it is: a scam perpetuated by the new version of snake-oil salesmen. And saleswomen.

UCLA Mattel Children's Hospital's Kaleidoscope 5

Photos courtesy of Instagram, WENN.