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We are living in the age of Trump Nihilism. If we’re all going to die, what does it matter if you eat a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s? What does it matter if you’re a little bit high for the apocalypse? What does any of it matter if we have a president who only has support of one-third of the country and he’s somehow going to provoke America into a nuclear holocaust?

North Korean despot Kim Jong Un has been developing his nuclear program this whole time. He’s been trying to provoke Donald Trump for months. Yesterday, the Washington Post reported that NK “has successfully produced a miniaturized nuclear warhead that can fit inside its missiles, crossing a key threshold on the path to becoming a full-fledged nuclear power,” according to American DoD sources. So Bigly Jong-Un (Kim Jong Baby Fists?) decided to take time away from his rigorous golfing vacation to issue this demented threat:

“Fire and fury,” because some 20-year-old speechwriter just heard about this new thing called “alliteration.” In retaliation, North Korea is now saying that they’re seriously considering bombing Guam, a U.S. protectorate (which voted for Hillary Clinton). Poor Guam – please stay strong, Guam. We love you and we’re really sorry about all of this. Also: who wants to take a bet that before yesterday, Trump was pretty fuzzy on the details of A) Hiroshima and Nagasaki, B) the distance between Seoul, South Korea and the North Korean border, C) the fact that we still have a lot of American troops in South Korea, and D) the fact that Guam is a US protectorate?

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