1. “It’s a grey, damp night outside, so there is a slight smell of wet dog in the arena.”
2. “This year’s theme is celebrating diversity. Let’s see who they’ve chosen to host. Oh. It’s three white men.”
3. “These little postcards [before the songs] tell us what to look out for. Imri goes to the gym. Who would have guessed that?”
Just before Israel performed.
4. “Oh that wasn’t there before, Ladies and Gentlemen. I can only apologise. Forget the strobing lights.”
When Belarus finished performing.
5. “Nothing has gone wrong. This was planned.”
When the presenter talked to the crowd.
6. “If you think my job’s easy, check out the guy pretending to play the saxophone for three minutes.”
7. “That is one rough wedding.”
When Moldova finished performing.
8. “If you’re going to get someone to dress as a gorilla, at least get a decent outfit. That looks like couple of old carseats sewn together.”
When Italy performed.
9. “By the way, don’t worry, he hasn’t brought his mother’s ashes on stage. It is, in fact, a mini milk churn. Who knew.”
When Hungary performed.
10. “Oh and in case you are wondering, there hasn’t been a stage invader. She is a fully trained dancer. She is meant to be there.”
11. “We know where you are. We’ll be in touch.”
When Denmark finished singing.
12. “Answers on a postcard.”
At the end of Azerbaijan’s performance.
14. “Ooooh some dodgy notes in there. I wonder if there’s something going wrong technically. Or maybe, he’s not great.”
When Spain performed.
15. “She claims to be the only yodeller in Romania. Probably because the others don’t talk about it. That’s the first rule of yodelling club.”
When Romania finished performing.
16. “We have had a wonderful time in Kyiv… I think the city’s enjoyed hosting the competition. But judging by this song, I’m guessing that they don’t want us back again next year.”
When Ukraine performed.
17. “Terrific graphics. Mind you, if you’re looking at the graphics something’s gone terribly wrong.”
20. “It looks like he’s just performed a magic show.”
On FYR Macedonia’s announcer.
23. “Do you think she gave the other half of her jacket to that man in Croatia?”
On France’s announcer.